Clay Jars Journey

One Sunday night, I had a dream.

There was a commotion. People yelling for help. I ran over, there was a woman lying there, darkness filled the background. As soon as I was in her presence she started twitching, her eyes rolling around, noises I can’t explain.

Immediately I began to pray.

The more I called out the name of Jesus the more violent the situation got. I could see flows of whatever was in her evaporating from her body. A snake like hand reached out of her chest towards me but I did not even flinch. I was protected in a force field of the Holy Spirit and I knew it.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I spoke louder and louder feeling the power of God take control of not only me but the situation around me. I woke up calling out in the name of Jesus.

It was real, it was raw, I was exhausted. I’ve never felt anything like that before.

I told my husband two days later about the dream and how heavy it was on my mind. In the dream there was no fear but awake I’m on the verge of constant tears. I prayed to have an answer for it.

First, what came to me was all the things I lacked with hopelessness and in self pity.

I know that’s not God’s intention for my life, so I tried to figure out these three things …

How do I fix these things within myself?
How do I stop the enemy access?
How do I make things better?

With no answers. I questioned God. Why? The more I work to be like Christ the more I am attacked. The more I try, the worse I feel.

I thought I was getting somewhere but now I’m left even more confused.
I don’t know how to accomplish these things.
Am I the one who needs deliverance?
Is this my calling? I’m not equipped.
None of this or the way I feel gives meaning to the dream.
I KNOW it means something, I KNOW God was speaking to me. I felt HIS power and now I feel nothing but anxiety and sorrow.

After a couple of hours, I let it go. Keeping my mind busy at work.

Suddenly, my vision goes black with flashes of light. I can’t focus. Aura lights, spots of blindness, onset migraine.

My husband comes to pick me up.

I cry, feeling defeated, helpless and like a burden. Once again, another attack.

My vision clears and the headache eases. I’m laying in bed wiping the occasional tear off my face.

I told myself I wasn’t going to read in my Bible journal tonight. My head hurts, I need to give my eyes rest.
I opened it up anyway. In the very chapter I was on, Jars of Clay – it gave me every answer I asked God to reveal.

God gives light in darkness.
My knowledge comes from the glory of God. I am not responsible for figuring it all out.
I am a vessel in which God has the power.
Affliction makes me understand the love of Christ more. I am not alone.
Have more faith in Christ than seeking direct answers.
Do not be discouraged. Keep trying. Keep living a life for Christ in the Word.
This life is temporary tests and trials to make way for my eternal reward with Jesus.
God works beyond human measure, trust the process.

God’s love never fails. Even though I didn’t deserve it, even though I questioned Him, even though I didn’t trust in the power He allowed me to feel that night: He provided peace and comfort.

He reminded me, all the pressure doesn’t fall on me.

I can no longer put myself in the way of the sovereign power of the Father.
I cannot rely on myself more than I do in Christ.

In the dream like that night groggy and head thumping, I wasn’t fully in control. And that’s been the answer He’s shown all along. More Jesus, less me.

I still have a long way to go, but a fog has been lifted. I realize I’m not doing this alone. Or at all really, I must give the power and glory of Christ full reign.

I trust You, Father.
Lead me and I will follow.
Mold me and I will stay strong.
Help me and I will let go.

My clay is in the hands of the Almighty creator.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying in the body, the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So, death is at work in us, but life in you.
Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak,
knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.
For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So, we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:6-18